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Helping your child cope with Death
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When someone dies, it is a traumatic and bewildering experience, but
there are ways in which you can help your child cope during this
painful period. Death is never easy to understand , let alone accept
, particularly for a young child. For most of us, it is easy to lock
ourselves away and so hide our feelings, and while this may be your
way of grieving, it is not the best way to help your child.
Sooner or later you will be faced with the question, "When will you
die, Mommy?". This is part of normal development, however it may
suddenly stem from seeing something on T.V., overhearing a
conversation relating to death or even discovering a dead bird in
the back garden. This is an important question, of that much
importance that one shouldn't be caught off guard. This situation
would require a calm and honest answer, however only relaying the
information that is required, and not more.
How Children See Death
Young children of three and four years do not have a concept of
death. Their biggest fear is abandonment and they associate death
with this. Death at this age, is also viewed as 'temporary', and
questions such as "when is granny coming to visit", for instance are
common. Four to five year olds on the other hand, associate death
with mutilation. This may occur because of having seen a dead cat or
dog lying next to the road and naturally assume that death is always
accompanied by violence and physical mutilation. It is only when a
child reaches the age of nine of ten, that he/she really starts to
comprehend the meaning of death and realise that it is a permanent
state. This however does not make it any easier, as even though the
child now grasps the concept of death, she does not have the
'facilities' to deal with the grief.
Coping with grief
At this point, your role as a parent, teacher and confidante become
increasingly important. The way in which you handle the situation,
will determine the way in which she handles this and future losses.
Death is a sensitive issue, not just to children, but adults too. It
needs to be dealt with very thoughtfully and caringly. Your child is
also mourning the loss of the person who died, and may battle to
understand that you need 'time-alone' to work through your own
emotions. She is not old enough to understand her own emotions and
feelings of despair, and thus needs a lot of love, patience and
understanding. Don't isolate children - physically or emotionally.
Physical touch is very important, even more so during times of
grief. After a death has occurred in the family, it is important
that you pay special attention to the children - Remember, they
experience the same emotions, symptoms of grief and feelings of loss
as adults, but lack the understanding and vocabulary to express
these feelings in a proper manner.
Many parents are reluctant to allow their children to attend
funerals. However, attending the funeral is the first important step
in the grieving process. This would allow the child to witness that
grief is not something to hide but rather to share, and that he is
not alone in missing the departed. How many of us as adults, hide
our feelings?, and how many of us develop ulcers and other
stress-related illnesses, because of not having the 'ability' to
release our worries? Do not be afraid to show your emotions, locking
yourself in the room to have a 'good cry' is all very well - but it
will convey the message that it is incorrect to show your feelings
in front of others. The child may then feel compelled to hide his
grief and put on a brave front instead of crying which is a healthy
outlet for grief. By portraying your own grief, you are
demonstrating that crying, being sad and laughing are normal
emotions which everyone experiences.
Everyone grieves differently and this includes children. Children
may temporarily regress emotionally and physically. Tantrums,
aggressive behaviour, dependency, impaired learning ability,
nightmares and bed-wetting may manifest themselves shortly after the
death has occurred. Be patient with your child. Do not punish or
threaten her. Instead listen to what she is saying behind the words
she uses, and give her lots of love and attention.
Points to Remember:
- Preparing yourself before the question arises, will not only
make it easier on yourself, but also afford the child a better
answer.
- Read children's stories together - there are many available
that explain the cycle of life, introducing death in a very subtle
way.
- Suggest ways for your child to release anger - hitting a
punch-bag or pillow or even kicking a ball are all good ways of
releasing pent-up anger.
- Writing poetry or even writing a letter to the dead person are
activities worth encouraging.
- It may be worth your while to reassure a young child that the
moment of death is usually peaceful, not violent and bloody like
the deaths he has seen on television and in films.
- It is no good assuring him that only old people die; it is
better to be honest and admit that early death is a possibility
for everyone, but an unlikely possibility which is not worth
brooding over.
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