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From Only to Older Child
No matter how vigilantly you prepare your firstborn or how carefully
he is handled after the birth of your second child, there are always
problems that are bound to arise. And studies have gone to prove
just that - the effect of a new baby in the household creates a form
of disturbance and mixed-feelings in the toddler as he battles to
accept this new 'creature', who is 'stealing' the time he could have
spent alone with his mommy. This causes the toddler to develop a
love-hate relationship with his new sibling.
Behavioural problems also include changes in the child's sleeping
patterns, bed-wetting, tearfulness and a marked increase in general
naughtiness in the hope of gaining as much attention as he can.
Preparing yourself before the problems arise will help you to cope
better when they do. These uncertainties do clear up on their own at
some stage, but you can ease your child's adjustment by handling him
with extra care.
Changes in his routine could be the primary cause of upset, so it is
important to govern your child's day in the same manner as it was
before the new baby arrived. There is no doubt though that, after
the birth you will need a little extra time on your hands, so it may
be wise for you to enroll her in a playgroup or get her used to the
idea of spending a little less time alone with you, well before the
birth.
Let you older child feel a part of your pregnancy, by inviting her
to attend your antenatal visits and letting her choose a few items
for the nursery herself. Explain how the pregnancy is going to
affect your physical and emotional appearance, but don't use it as
an excuse to refrain from carrying her around as much as you used
to. Unless otherwise advised by your doctor or overcome by fatigue,
there is absolutely no reason to suggest that, you shouldn't pick
her up.
Prepare your child, by explaining to her that the baby will cry alot,
and even though you will always love her, the baby is going to need
affection too.
Share the baby with him, by involving him in changing, bathing and
feeding wherever possible. The beauty of this approach is that you
don't run the risk of neglecting your older child or of feeling
guilty when cuddling the baby in front of him.
Coping With Sibling Rivalry
Firstly it is important to remember, that no one is perfect and,
therefore all parents make mistakes. One is likely to find it
extremely difficult to remain calm and to retain your ideals all the
time when coping with sibling rivalry. A busy and tired mother who
is, for example attempting to do a week's shopping in a crowded
supermarket, holding a baby and coping with one or more children may
show more than a touch of irritation if a jealous tantrum occurs at
the checkout till. However, the important point is to give the child
explanation and reassurance after the event, rather than ignoring
the episode.
Ideally the preparation for sibling rivalry begins before the birth
of the new baby. It is wise to discuss all the facets of jealousy
and to explain to the child that she is likely to feel jealous, but
that there is nothing wrong with having these feelings.
It is also important to discuss the needs of the baby and to say
that she will demand a great deal of attention, but at the same time
make it clear to her that she will be loved just as much as she was
before that newcomer arrived. These discussions should continue for
quite some time after the baby has arrived.
Each parent will find their own ways of coping under these
circumstances. However there are a few practical tips which could
make your life that little bit easier:
- When the child first comes to see the baby, it is wise to
avoid breastfeeding at that particular moment.
- Encourage friends and family who are visiting the baby to
acknowledge the presence of the older child/ren first.
- Try and give a present to the older child, saying that it is a
gift from the baby.
- Encourage guests to bring a present for both the baby and the
older child (if possible), or allow the older child to open the
gifts on behalf of his new brother or sister.
- When breastfeeding baby, activities such as reading or singing
with the older child should be encouraged. This will help the
older child feel less left out during this intimate time.
- Allow the child to participate in the care of the baby.
Alternatively, she could be encouraged to mimic certain
activities, such as changing a doll's nappy whilst the mother is
changing the baby's.
- Develop daily quality time with the older child. This will
enable the child to have time on her own with the parent,
resulting in a feeling of importance.
- Encourage the child to discuss his feelings, but be careful
not to brush off a comment with 'don't be silly ..', as this could
further emphasize his feelings of insecurity.
- Try your utmost to remain calm during an episode of jealousy.
Rather than shouting or smacking (which will only reinforce her
feelings of rejection), take a firm handling of the situation and
tell her why this behaviour is unacceptable.
There are many other methods that could be used to cope with
sibling rivalry, but by far the most important will always be
reassurance and love.
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