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Putting lovemaking back on to your list
Has the passion faded since the tiny new arrival started
sharing your love nest?
Passion killers:
That new little person .....
When you become parents, you don't stop being partners, but
rekindling the passion, especially in the first three months
will take a considerable amount of effort from both partners. At
this early stage the baby puts huge demands on his parents -
particularly the mother - and at the end of the day there is
little energy left to even consider dealing with bedroom basics.
To constantly be at baby's beck and call 24 hours a day is
utterly exhausting, and with the new arrival in her life, she is
unable to focus all her energy and attention on her partner, so
it could happen that love-making suddenly moves down a notch on
her list of daily priorities.
Bodily changes .....
The scar from a caesarean or episiotomy may be tender and will
need some time to heal - be that physically or psychologically.
For the first few weeks following the birth women are plagued by
a discharge as the uterus returns to it's normal shape, and this
can be very off-putting even though the mother may be feeling
otherwise 100%. Your breasts are also not the objects of desire
that they used to be, with their main function now being to
transport 'bottled milk' around until needed, and you may find
that apart from the heavy, tender feeling, they leak when
sexually aroused. Lubrication of the vagina may also be
affected, due to the hormonal changes when breast feeding, and
although it does pass you may find that creeping around the
house, unclad at 3am searching for the lubricant is definitely
not what you had in mind.
Pregnancy fears .....
Many women, especially those battling with the new roles of
motherhood, may subconsciously fear that they may fall pregnant
a second time around - turning them off sex altogether. For this
reason it is wise to have thought about a contraceptive method
before the actual birth - mind you it's never too late.
Flab and all .....
This is a 'huge' problem amongst most new mothers, as they try
to come to terms with the flabby stomach, enormous leaking
breasts, and the map of stretch marks that flow across the
abdomen. These will all pass in due time, but you may just want
to speed the process up a little by taking part in a postnatal
exercise regime, which will do wonders for both mind and body.
Apart from this you may also be feeling particularly tender from
the birth especially if you had to undergo a repair, and while
you mellow between extreme bliss and utter exhaustion your
partner may swing between exhilarated happiness to a subtle form
of jealousy and a feeling of exclusion at the loving
relationship shared between mother and child. These emotions
left 'untreated' can go on to create or add to an existing
problem in the couple's relationship, especially if one partner
was against having children in the first place. Make a point of
discussing your anxieties regarding your lack of interest with
your partner, remember he may also be feeling neglected since
the baby started taking up most of your time. Reassure him that
your feelings haven't changed and that you only need his support
and a little time to re-adjust to this current situation. If all
else fails, seeking help through a sex therapist may just be the
answer in ending this battle before it ends you.
Tips for the new father:
Be sensitive to your partner through this difficult period,
constantly reminding her of your appreciation as a partner and
not just the mother of your child. Although it may also be a
difficult time for you, it does help if you become involved,
this won't only make you feel more a part of the whole mothering
scene, and strengthen the bond with your child, but it will also
help in creating more time to spend alone with your partner.
Discuss sex not penetration - many women, apart from feeling
totally unattractive, also fear that actual intercourse may be
painful, so it is wise to let her know that you are prepared to
start off slowly by using other methods such as stroking and
masturbation until she feels ready. Remember this change in your
sex life may just provide a few new wonderful ways of giving and
receiving pleasure, and the openness shared will definitely make
for a more satisfying long-term relationship.
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